House/Wilson

House: Oh, my goodness. I played a practical joke on my best friend, and he's badly injured.

[House closes the office door, then pulls something out of his pocket and tosses what looks like a chair caster to Wilson, who is lying on the floor]

House: I wish I had learned this valuable lesson earlier. I was waiting by my window for an hour. Why are you late?

Wilson: I had a breakfast meeting at Mickey’s Diner with the Mercy people to tell them… (Wilson sees a donut on a plate and a carton of milk behind the bookshelf) I’m coming back to work here. (He pulls the plate and the milk toward himself) Sorry if it interfered with your plan to maim me. (pause) Donut’s a nice touch. (He takes a bite of the donut)

[House gestures to Wilson as if expecting a different reaction. Wilson just lies on the floor eating the donut]

House: (turning and opening the door to leave) It’s my way of saying "welcome back."

Lucky Thirteen, S5

Wilson: It's just a wild coincidence that he thought you were a rude jerk.

House: Come on. Give me the benefit of the doubt. You said he's a jerk. I barely talked.

Wilson: You talked! [He drops his head into his hand.] All I wanted was to sip morning espresso next to a peaceful, burbling fountain.

House: You could be sipping Courvoisier next to a replica of the Playboy grotto if you tell him what you got on him.

Wilson: I don't have anything on him. I don't want anything on him.

House: The closest he's been to Vietnam? Ordering the mee krob at that place on the corner.

Wilson: Mee krob is from Thailand.

House: Exactly.

Wilson: What did you do? Why do you think he's faking?

House: I saw his mail.

Wilson: You broke in?

House: No. He was holding it. Private medical insurance. Not from the VA. Plus, he's got to be early 50s. He's too young to be a vet. So I looked further.

Wilson: You did break in.

House: Online. There's no reference to him in any of the vet records.

Wilson: Why would he fake being a veteran?

House: Just look how you're acting. People have been tiptoeing around this jerk for years.

Wilson: Normally, we'd all tell the amputee to go screw himself.

House: Victims get pity, heroes get adulation. It's way better.

Wilson: Thank you for trying to help me out with my neighbor. Now forget the Vietnam stuff.

House: I could prove this.

Wilson: But you won't because you'll be too busy writing him a letter of apology and dropping it at his door without knocking at his door.

House: I didn’t do anything, the guy’s a totally ass.

Wilson: Which is the point. It's easy to be nice to people you like. But being nice to people you hate, that's a skill. Do it.

The Tyrant, S6

The Socratic Method, S1

The Down Low, S6

Family, S3

I think House wanted to keep Hector.

Family, S3

Saviors, S5

Wilson: You're an ass.

House: What, for trying to walk on a freshly mangled leg? Performing surgery on myself? For thinking I could solve my emotional problems with rat medicine? If you're gonna nag, at least have the decency to be specific.

[House tries to stand again and this time he allows Wilson to support him.]

Wilson: Come on. Listen to me. You can't keep going like this. Something has to change.

House: Can I pee first?

[He looks at Wilson who looks back at him. House nods slightly, then turns away]

House: I know.

After Hours, S7

House: You don't just have a fetish for needy people, you marry them!

Wilson: Here we go.

House: You mean it, and then time passes and suddenly they're not so needy anymore. Your fault. You've been there for them too much. They're getting healthy, independent, and that's just ugly. God you must be pissed at God right now for making her all happy.

Wilson: Why are you doing this?

House: Because you're being stupid. [Wilson laughs.] You know what you're risking by sleeping with a patient!

Wilson: Oh that's crap! You're not mad because I'm risking my job. You're not even mad because I lied to you, you're mad because I lied to you and you couldn't tell!

House: Yeah, you got me nailed.

Wilson: Yeah, that's why you didn't want me in your poker game. Because when it comes to being in control, Gregory House leaves our faith healer kid in the dust. And that's why religious belief annoys you. Because if the universe operates by abstract rules, you can learn them and you can protect yourself. If a supreme being exists, he can squash you anytime he wants.

House: He knows where I am.

[Mobile phone starts ringing, they both check their pockets.]

Wilson: Think it’s yours.

House: [He answers.] Yeah. [A pause.] I'll be right there. [He puts down the phone.] Jesus is spiking a fever. He's delusional.

Wilson: Tuberous sclerosis doesn't cause fever.

House: I know.

Wilson: I'll drive.

House vs. God

Wilson: [shocked] You're not gonna leave the kid?

House: Yes, I am. [he begins putting on his coat] 'Cause unlike you, I don't have a conscience.

Wilson: [tries to get past House to the door] And unlike you, I'm not having sex with Cuddy, so I actually can leave. [House parries, and they end up pressed against the door.]

House [in Wilson's face] You're bluffing. [Wilson tries to speak] I'm leaving.

Wilson: You're not gonna leave a two-year-old unattended.

House: Sure. I'm leaving her with you. A responsible adult.

Unplanned Parenthood, S7